The end of another decade

As I sit here - hours away from turning 40 Wait, does that really say 40? How? When? What happened to my 30s? Let's see.... a decade ago I was welcoming my 30s as I celebrated being pregnant with our first child. Oh yeah, the kids are where my 30s went. And what a way for them to go. Aiden and Rylee have blessed my life in ways I never could have imagined. They have also challenged me in ways I couldn't imagine. LOL! My 30s are kind of a blur, but that's OK because I can see they must have been pretty good when I look at my children. Someday, I'll have to go back and read that year of blog posts from the middle of my 30s. :) A couple of days ago, I thought I had it all together. I thought that this birthday didn't mean anything special - it was just another day. Now, I'm not so sure. I feel like I should be doing something to celebrate it, but I know it'll be just another Wednesday of laundry, meals, and cleaning. I am more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been before. I'm not thrilled with my weight and size, but it doesn't define me. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a business owner. I feel more like I am where I'm supposed to be than I've ever felt before. And yet, I'm still not satisfied. I want more. But I'm not exactly sure what the more is. I've been in an awkward season all year (maybe longer) - trying to obey my Savior, reading, learning, being inspired. I wish I knew where it was all heading. But that isn't the way God works. And I want more than ANYthing to be and do what He wants. I want to put my self aside and fully let Him lead. And yet, I'm not sure I've let go. Maybe that's why I'm restless. I'm fighting my earthly desires to be in control and being disappointed with not being where I want to be as a Christian, wife, mother, business leader. Here's hoping that 40 brings that release, that clarity. Here's to giving it ALL to Him and being His servant. I may not be ready for that number 40, but it's coming whether I like it or not. And I think it's going to bring some really good things...... scary, but good.