It all started this afternoon when I was watching the video for "Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera. Out of nowhere I started thinking about my cousin, Vette, and the flood gate opened. Even though she's been gone for several years, her loss has such a profound effect on me. I feel like I failed her and her beautiful children because I wasn't there when she needed me. Granted she made some bad decisions that put the separation between us, but I feel guilty.
Then, a typical trip to Walmart went south for no apparent reason other than Rylee was uncooperative, and it frustrated me and Joseph. Like that is anything new.
Now, after a long bedtime talk with Aiden, I don't feel like I'm being a good enough mom for him. I am going in so many direction and have so little time. He's not getting enough of me. I don't know how to fix this when I only get a few hours a night with my family and part of that time has to be spent on dinner and bath. The thing I thought would get me more time, hasn't yet. I still know it could, but it takes time. What am I missing in the meantime and is it worth it?
I have a LOT to think about right now. Why can't things be easier? Why do you have to sacrifice what you love for who you love and suffer with what you hate to do the right thing? I'm going to be spending a lot of time in prayer trying to find the answers. I wish somebody had told me having two kids was this hard.
~Heather
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