Well, it didn't happen......
Last week I wasn't feeling the best because of "womanly" issues. I was managing things pretty well, but Friday snuck up on me a little bit.
I didn't get much response for my discussion group, so I hadn't really prepared as I should. I decided I was going to proceed even if it was just me and Joseph (maybe that would be better anyway).
By Friday afternoon I only had one maybe on the event, my house wasn't as clean as I wanted it, and I'd forgotten to plan snacks. Oh, and I hadn't prepared with the material. Frankly I wasn't in a positive mood, and Joseph confessed he wasn't either (work is nuts for him right now). He convinced me to press on that it might be just what we needed.
He even talked a work buddy and his wife (friends of ours) into coming. They needed to bring their kids, but I made arrangements for Rylee to go to my parents anyway. This would give the older kids a chance to play without a toddler driving everyone crazy. We even figured out a few snacks we could serve.
Then I remembered that Aiden's room was a wreck, and I was having serious second thoughts. Time was not on my side to get it all together. I got on my knees in tears and prayer asking God what I should do. I thought leading a group was what He wanted, but it wasn't going well. Maybe I was wrong.
Then, I remembered a recent blog post from Allison Dalke about being hospitable, even with dirty floors. I felt I needed to lead this "group". These were our friends, and this was God's work. It would be ok.
I hopped up and quickly got Rylee's room picked up. I found a new pet mess in the kitchen floor but didn't let it slow me down. I told the kids to stay out of there until I finished Aiden's room, and then I'd mop. Aiden promised to come help me as soon as he finished his homework - such a great kid.
I was making quick progress in Aiden's room and was starting to feel pretty good about all of this. It wasn't going to be perfect, but it was doable. It was enough.
Then, Rylee comes to tell me she has pee in her shoes (that she's carrying). My first thought is the animals because one of them had spit up on my shoe earlier. As I'm telling her to put them in the bathroom for me to clean later and to wash her hands, the rest of the story comes out. She peed in her panties.
I'm shocked. She hasn't had a big accident in a long time, but there she stands with soaked shorts when I need it the least. I send her off to the bathroom and sit her on the toilet, so I can clean the mess on the floor by the garage door. It's not much, and I needed to mop anyway. While I'm at it, I decided to spot clean the animal messes with the intent to mop after dinner. This is when I find the huge puddle by the coffee table and the toys.....
I am so far beyond furious at this point that I want to scream. So I quit. I give up. I throw in the towel. I am done. I text as much to Joseph, and he messages our friends.
I cleaned Rylee. I cleaned the floors. I made dinner. I had failed, and I didn't care. My friend texted to see if I was ok after I cancelled the event on Facebook, and I confessed the devil had won. And another friend checked on me later, and I told her I'd try again.
I knew I had failed, but I let it go. Until this morning on the way to church, anyway.
All of a sudden the fact that I had failed my God again weighed on me. I got all teary listening to a song on the Christian radio station. I even told Joseph it was a bad sign I was getting emotional before we even got to church. My heart was sad but grateful knowing He would forgive me. The real question was would I forgive myself or wallow in my failure.
When we got to church, Joseph and I were the last to sit down after taking the kids to their rooms and getting our coffee. We took the last two seats on our row. THE LAST TWO ON THE ROW!!!! I had to take a pic because I was so happy. I went in March, added Joseph and his mom in May, added his dad in August, added his cousin in September, and added his brother today.
As worship began, I felt in my soul that I was doing good. I was letting my insecurity and fear take over with this group leader thing. I could try again. I need to try again.
So I will try again this week (date and time to be announced later).
Now, I wonder what really happened Friday afternoon. Was it me letting satan win? Was God keeping me from what I wasn't ready for? I don't know the answer.
The important thing is that God isn't going to let me stay down. He has plans for me. I'm excited to show the world all the good He does for me because He does so much good EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
~Heather
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